(A delayed post): This is a story of my terrible yet wonderful week. I’m going to be as explicit and candid as anyone can get, so you’ll have to be patient and bear with me as you read this post or… please feel free to stop reading as you go along, which I hope won’t happen.
It’s just been few weeks since I got well from the flu and before I could recover well I was down with the monster of all pains. PILES. How many of us here has heard or even experienced piles? If you haven’t, I’ll give you a minute to google that… YEP! You wouldn’t even wish that on your enemies. (you can go Aee, Eeww, Iiiee, Ooo, Uumm) I had this pile-like symptom about two years ago, I was terrified, I did everything possible to stay fit, all was well until that dreadful Sunday morning of March 2nd 2014. Believe me, I am or rather used to be the most secretive superstitious person regarding my stuff, like if something good happened I refused to share it with people in the fear that they would be jealous and I would get the badluck, if something bad happened I would like to keep it to myself for the fear of having people judge me or worse be happy for me and wish me more badluck. And here I am writing about PILES for the whole wide world to read. K bhanne! I had my coming week all planned out, It was all set. Well … God the author of my life had something else in store for me. Who can stop him? 🙂
Day1 – the attack
It wasn’t your laid back, sunny sunny side up egg smiley sunflower Sunday morning oh no… it was everything but that. I didn’t know what was happening to me I was traumatized; I was crying my eyes out while the rest of the family was enjoying their laid back Sunday morn. I had no strength to call them for help, I was just helpless crying in so much pain all I had was Jesus. A few minutes seemed like ages and I just knew that the only place I could draw my strength was from him. After the painful traumatic experience, I went back to bed unable to neither sit straight nor walk properly (I literally had to drag my feet), full of pain, I simply couldn’t stop crying. Strangely the song was on repeat mode in my head ‘strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord’ then I was like wait a second, all this pain and suffering is only temporary. There will come a day when none of this will exist. So I decided I would no matter what keep focusing on God and not give up on him and blame him and myself like the way I did previously. Extra toppings- bad headache, diarrhea, nauseated, tooth ache, chest pain.
Day2- pain continues
I couldn’t help but remind myself that God doesn’t let any experience go to waste. There’s always a reason for it. So all the while I kept asking God to help me understand what is it that I needed to learn from this experience. During my sick days I was constantly reminded of Job. I only heard of him but never got to read his story. Job had painful sores right from his head to his feet and me… well, I just had a really sore butt! But the point is Job didn’t give up despite the fact that everything was taken away from him, he trusted God. I remember the first time I had this pile like symptom, I prayed to God but when the pain didn’t go away I was just so pissed at everything and more so at myself. This time it was different, I turned to God because I have come to understand that he is my only source of everything! And I was going to draw my strength from him. Then I turned the chapter to Job.
Day3- the torture chamber
Until day 2, I kept my eyes on God, I tried to use the time to read and just spend more time with him (you give me a book to read I will probably return it to you after a year-without finishing the book. 2, 3 pages and I’m zzz…). Day 3 was quite different, the pain was excruciating and I was just frustrated. I almost wanted to give up on God because I thought there was no hope, I hated going to the toilet which now seemed like a torture chamber. I remember praying ‘cause I was just physically and spiritually tired I was done, I just laid it all out before God I couldn’t go on anymore I just needed him to hold me if I let him go. You know what I mean? But as I kept reading ‘Job’ I was just amazed at his faith and hope in God despite all that happened to him. Yes, there were times he was frustrated and even questioned God, he laid it out all out before God but never gave up on him. It was just so wonderful to have Job because I could learn so much from his suffering to hang on to God because he knows exactly what he’s doing although we may not understand why. What was even more amazing is satan actually had to ask permission from God to hurt Job! That’s my God!
And I’m going to stay strong come what may. God will not let us suffermore than we can bear, he knows when it’s enough, and he will just end it all and pull us up into the safety of his arms. I was overwhelmed with all of this and before I knew it I was right back where I belonged- with Jesus. I opened up the curtains and windows of my room after what seemed like ages, it was a lovely morning minus the pain.
Day4- pain and relief
By day 4 I was bit better, was able to walk and sit properly although going to the ‘comfort’ was no comfort at all. I was the kind that wanted to see miracles but I failed to realise that my whole life has been such a wonderful miracle; I can’t begin to explain it. During my painful times, I was just simply broken. I tried to learn from Job and not repeat my old mistakes of asking God why, instead I kept asking him to stay with me, that was all I needed. There was also a point in one of those days (probably on day1) I was just brought down and even asked for forgiveness of my sins but as I read through Job, I realised how limited our thinking really is.
Job 1:20-22 (when Job learnt that he lost everything he had including his children- not his wife though)
20 At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship 21 and said: “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised.” 22 In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing. (Can you believe saying that if you were in his place? No right? Isn’t it amazing how faithful and trusting Job was I was just blown away!)
9 His wife said to him, “Are you still maintaining your integrity? Curse God and die!” 10 He replied, “You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?” In all this, Job did not sin in what he said. (As I read through Job who was a wealthy and upright man, he lost everything he had including his children and health. During his times of suffering his friends visited him and didn’t make it any easier for him and his response to his wife- ‘shall we accept good from God and not trouble?’ (Often times we think that loving God and walking in his ways will prevent us from trouble, sickness and suffering but it’s only what we think. It is so easy to give up on him when the pain persists, when times are tough but know that God will never forsake us).
Day5 &6- pain, relaxation and realisations
Pain and suffering is not an outcome of karma or the clothes that I wore or the ring or the bag or shoes or socks or if I put something right or wrong or what the horoscope has in store for me today or this year or what my grandfather or my father or mother did or so many things that if I mention I’m afraid this post would have several parts to it. And I certainly wasn’t suffering from piles because I sat on a pillow or of lack of proper hygiene! I had been limiting or rather made up my own god who makes me suffer according to all that I just mentioned above. A god that I feared for all the wrong reasons, a god that I bribed and thought I could get away with whenever I wanted, a god that I never really loved, a god that didn’t love me. I tried so hard to do everything right, I remember once when my mother said ‘bad things happen to bad people’ since then I believed that I was a bad person, I tried everything I could to be good to do good and each time I failed and just ended up hating myself even more because troubles would still come my way anyway! And all the while I just kept questioning the god I had created, I kept blaming him. What I have come to understand is that whatever we may be feeling we just got to bring it to God – and this is the Living God i’m talking about ok, the God who listens, who understands every bit of our being, a God who LOVES us, he will understand instead of keeping it to ourselves and becoming bitter towards God, yourself and your life. God does everything his way, in his time. Nothing can stop his plans from taking place. No matter what we do what we think, he is still God.
I really don’t know what to make of this whole experience but one thing’s for sure, I’m humbled it. It has been painful but more than anything else it has just been so refreshing. I was home throughout the week, not in contact with people, no work so I just had a lot of time to well… groan in pain the first 3 days, listen to a lot of wonderful music- who knew Gospel music would be this awesome?, read a lot (few pages a day is a lot for me right now, this is improvement I tell you), I was blessed with my parents and our didi (who also happens to be a follower of Christ) who were taking care of me the whole time, I got to watch a few of francis chan videos. I… was on a vacation people! a vacation that I hadn’t planned but was planned by my Savior who knew exactly what I needed – to spend time with him, learn to listen to him and to simply trust and love him. I’m more than happy right now, I have Jesus and all the people before us people like Job, Paul, Moses, Rahab and many more (I’ve just read about them so far, much reading to be do), I am just amazed at their faith, their trust, their obedience, their conviction, their spirit, their LOVE for God. Really it just blows my mind. How God worked through people like us, did amazing things. And I know I will have troubles blowing my way every now and then but God’s preparing me well for it. Extra toppings- got to complete the muffler I had been knitting for my pops, got to spend the entire week at home with pops before he left.
Interestingly in all the pain and sadness I kept talking to God and just being thankful all the while for helping me get through and for every little thing. If you read our previous blogpost on ‘Thanksgiving’, it really reminded me who really is in charge and give thanks to him despite the situation. It’s amazing how strength comes when you give thanks.
I was watching francis chan’s sermon last night and these are the points that I jotted down and would like to end this post with this – it’s not about where you are what circumstances, once you know Jesus, wherever you are whatever it is, you are happy, you are content. Live it all for Christ. We should be living an insane life for Jesus because we are sure of what’s in store for us in the future. We need to live a life that demands an explanation.